You know the one I'm talking about, the super private one she wrote knowing that nobody in the whole wide world was ever ever going to read it.
A snippet or two.
A.Miller, Kates Diary
http://joana-morais.blogspot.com/2009/1 ... mment-form
comments from # 28
Excuse the following for being off topic. I have never until now read Kate McCann's diary. I came across it in an article in the press whilst looking for something else.
Given that it is written by the mother of a 3year old child who disappeared when her parents where out dining, leaving her and her twin siblings, two years old at the time alone in an unlocked holiday apartment, to say it is the most bizarre thing I have ever read is an understatement.
I believe this diary was written after Aunty Phil suggested it would be something nice to give to Madeleine when she returned.
What strikes me most about the entries, is that in the main, they are about Kate and occasionally about Gerry. She continually speaks of HER pain, HER suffering, how SHE wants Madeleine back as this will restore HER, FORMER lifestyle as she is not happy with her life as it is at the time of writing.
What I find odd too is that she writes 'M' for Madeleine. I cannot imagine every referring to my missing child, in diary entries or other, only by the first initial of her name. She does likewise with Sean and Amelie. Yet when she has something to tell us about herself, her activities, going to church or running, nothing is abbreviated. We see this in great detail.
It is clear also, that she finds the twins challenging. So many entries about how she finds it difficult to get them to bed. Wasted days etc. Madeleine is the child who it is said was more full of energy, not a good sleeper. Did Kate have difficulty getting Madeleine to bed in the evenings?
She is also very angry at the suggestion that they, she and Gerry, allowed contamination of the crime scene to take place. She expresses this by wanting to phone to speak to someone to vent her anger.
Further along in the diary, she mentions that there has been a suggestion that Madeleine is buried near cliffs.
Her response to this was: "What can I say?" She then goes on to talk about herself once more, how can one BODY, take so much pain etc.
There is not the same anger at the thought of someone saying her daughter may be buried at beach/cliffs, as there is when it is suggested that she and Gerry were to blame for something.
The self protection always to the fore.
What I find most bizarre about this diary, is that it is not something you would want to pass on to your child if she returned.
She speaks of her pain, then includes comments in reference to Madeleine, 'IF' we have let you down. 'IF' you are suffering.
She speaks of Madeleine being with paedophiles. Then comments - 'IF' you are suffering.
She states also, that she hopes Madeleine's suffering is less than her own.
A mother would hope that her child is NOT suffering at all. Not just suffering less than she herself is. She appears to be comparing levels of pain.
She speaks of worrying about Madeleine as she knows that Madeleine FEARS PAIN.
What pain could a three year old child have experienced that would make a mother make such a statement?
If a child falls and grazes a knee, the child may cry. They may not like a vaccination, as it may be painful. No child likes to feel these types of pain obviously.
But what is Kate McCann referring to when she states that she KNOWS Madeleine doesn't like pain. If she thinks her child is with a paedophile - she will be experiencing the most awful pain in every sense.
She speaks of paedophiles at the shops? She speaks of paedophiles being held in 'NICE' surroundings, she wouldn't mind that, as long as they don't get to children. She thinks she should have been informed of paedophiles and then they could have taken more care, felt more safe.
These are two medical professionals. Are they telling us that they did not know of the dangers of paedophiles before Madeleine, in their thesis, was taken by one?
She makes comment on Amelie, saying that she did not realise Amelie could speak so well.
Why would she not know that her daughter could speak as well as she could at the time? How can you not know?
THURSDAY, MAY 3: Milk and biscuits for the kids. I LEFT them with this and books and games and went to have a quick shower/wash my hair. M (Madeleine) tired—sitting on my lap—I read the story of Mog (favourite children's book).
Brush teeth. To the bedroom with the kids. M pulls away and puts her head on pillow. Kisses goodnight for M. Pulled the door to as far as possible without shutting it. Silence.
Dry hair. Put make-up on. Glass of wine. Restaurant.
(NO MENTION OF DAVID PAYNE I SEE. OR GERRY FOR THAT MATTER!)
FRIDAY, MAY 4: No sleep, Gerry and I started looking through the streets around 06.00 as it was starting to get light. Nobody around. Why not? Desperate.
MONDAY, MAY 14: I slept well last night after a not very good end of the day, frustration with the FLO (Portuguese police family liaison officer) asking me where would my little M be.
I got up at 06.50. I DEALT WITH SOME TRIFLES and got myself ready for the statement to the press at 08.00.
(FRUIT TRIFLES, OR SOME TRIFLING MATTERS?)
I tried to put on a slightly more presentable and "healthy" air. Gerry AGAIN Gave a great PERFORMANCE.
Following on we answered about four questions. I almost responded to the first one asking how we were, but I didn't. I did answer a question on our possible return home. I replied that obviously I didn't even think about that. Anyway, it seemed to have GONE WELL well. After breakfast and our having left S and A, we went to church to pray in silence. Very good, calming.
(AS YOU DO - LEAVE THE KIDS TO GO TO THE PUB, TO GO TO PRAY)
After getting back I decided to go running—for the first time since THE day (already 11 days ago). I knew that it was going to be physically difficult, but I also knew that I wasn't going to give up, BECAUSE IT WAS FOR MADELEINE and also because the level of pain is far higher now.
(SHE WAS RUNNING FOR MADELEINE'S BENEFIT)
SUNDAY, MAY 27: Clarence (Clarence Mitchell, Foreign Office family liaison at the time) spoke to us about a possible trip to the Vatican. It seems that it REALLY is going to happen—MAIN STORY ON THE NEWS!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 30: (After trip to see Pope detailed above) THE KIDS WENT TO BED AGAIN AROUND 9PM!!
(BEDTIME ROUTINE CLEARLY CHANGED FROM THEIR USUAL OF BEING IN BED BY 6;30 - 7;00 PM THEN?)
Fed up again —poor M. Once again it took a long time before S and A were sorted. Finally went to church for 10 minutes.
Private worship (despairing!).
Cried again in bed—I can't avoid it. I need her close to me. Thinking about her FEAR OF PAIN breaks my heart.
Thinking about paedophiles makes me want to tear at my own skin. Of course these people, like psychopaths, aren't "normal" human beings. I was never in favour of the death penalty, but these people should be kept in a secure place. I wouldn't even complain if it was in NICE SURROUNDINGS but, certainly in the case of paedophiles always distanced from any type of contact with children.
Whose human rights are more important? Those of a paedophile or of a vulnerable, defenceless child?
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(WASN'T IT KATE WHO LEFT HER VULNERABLE DEFENCELESS CHILDREN IN AN UNLOCKED APARTMENT ABUSING THEIR RIGHT TO PROTECTION AND CARE?)
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FRIDAY, JUNE 1: Quite fed up...I can't stop thinking about Madeleine, about her FEAR OF PAIN. How can I go on knowing that her LIFE could have ENDEDended like this?
Bedtime is becoming more and more of a CHALLENGE.
THURSDAY, JUNE 7:
I can't bear this. I can't bear being without Madeleine. It's like torture—a slow, painful death. I hope HER suffering, IF she is suffering, is much less. Please God.
SUNDAY, JUNE 17: Cherie Blair (then the Premier's wife) phoned to find out how we were.
SUNDAY, JUNE 17: Cherie Blair (then the Premier's wife) phoned to find out how we were.
I also had the chance to speak to Tony (then Prime Minister) who told me that we weren't to hesitate to ask him if there was something he could do to help.
On Sky News tonight they suddenly said the Portuguese police had stated that the crime scene had been contaminated—BECAUSE OF US—and that fundamental evidence had been lost. How dare they insinuate that OUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE could be put in DANGER BECAUSE OF US Very angry. Very upset.
I want to speak to someone now, but it's too late.
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ISN'T THAT EXACTLY HOW THEIR DAUGHTER'S LIFE WAS PUT IN DANGER, BECAUSE OF THEM?
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WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20: There is still no sign of Madeleine. I didn't feel like it so I decided not to go running.
SATURDAY, JUNE 23: I woke up after 7am hesitating (again!) about going running but eventually I built up enough enthusiasm to convince Gerry that we should go. He ran quite well and without a doubt it was worth us going.
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OH THAT WAS NICE
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Will we see her again one day? HOW CAN THIS END WELL NOW?
She’s so precious. God I need you to do something soon. I’m so desperate and suffering so much.
This evening I felt quite low again. It's the awful uncertainty, helplessness and worry. It’s really unbearable. I only want to be able to hide or hibernate until this is all over and Madeleine is back. Please make sure she’s OK.
The usual—dinner, a FEW DRINKS and emails. Good night. Good night my darling, longing to lie down.
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I'LL BET YOU ARE AFTER A FEW DRINKS!
TUESDAY, JUNE 26: I went for a short walk to the shops nearby. I had heard that there was a paedophile there. Nice, isn't it?
If people informed us about these criminals of course we’d be more cautious and we'd feel safer!
dinner, had a FEW DRINKS despite having said I wanted it without alcohol!! We talked some more.
I’m so sorry IF I/WE let you down. I hope you know how FOND of you we are and that we would NEVER do anything INTENTIONALLY that would put you in danger—of any kind. You are so precious to me. You make me so happy and I miss you so much. Please God, please Mary, keep watch over our sweet Madeleine. Keep her safe and sound and bring her back to us soon! X X
SATURDAY, JULY 7: We had breakfast and got the children READY AS USUAL. At 10.30 the four of us went to the Algarve Shopping Centre.
The plan was to buy sandals and some other things for the children. However the journey was a DISASTER We had to stop three times on the way there, since Sean and Amelie were crying alternately.
I began to feel that it had been a WASTED day, even though Sean and Amelie had some good goes in Noddy's car and Popeye's boat. The return journey was SLIGHTLY MORE BEARABLE.
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TERRIBLE WHEN YOU HAVE PESKY KIDS MAKING YOUR LIFE UNBEARABLE EH/
WASN'T IT A DISASTER TOO, GERRY SAID WHEN SPEAKING TO KATES MUM AFTER MADELEINE DISAPPEARED?
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THURSDAY, JULY 12: I hate the person who took my Madeleine—the SAME ONE who has caused ALL THIS TROUBLE, who made us feel worthless and mistrustful and mainly who has frightened my beautiful Madeleine. I will never forgive that person/those people for this. Never. --
SOUNDS ALMOST AS THOUGH SHE KNOWS WHO THIS PERSON IS!
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Today I washed the Cuddle Cat (Madeleine's favourite soft toy and a constant comfort to heartbroken Kate). I was hoping not to have to do it until Madeleine returns, but it was now quite dirty and smelly, unfortunately without the smell of Madeleine on it. XX
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SO KATE IS SAYING THE SMELL OF MADELEINE HAD GONE BEFORE WASHING THE TOY CAT?
TUESDAY, JULY 17
Earlier today I found Amelie in our room looking at photos of Madeleine and she said: "I miss my sister. Where's my sister?"
I couldn't believe it. I DIDN'T REALISE AMELIE'S VOCABULARY AND USE OF WORDS WAS SO GOO. I just said: "I miss her too. We'll find her soon." What a little sweetheart!
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MAYBE IF SHE HAD KNOWN HER KIDS BETTER SHE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT TO WAKE SEAN AND AMELIE ON 3RD MAY AND ASK IF THEY HAD SEEN ANYTHING. IF SHE'S ASKED THEM IF MADELEINE HAD GONE TO LOOK FOR MUMMY AND DADDY, AND THEY HAD SEEN MADELEINE GET OUT OF BED, I'M SURE THEY COULD HAVE SAID YES OR NO.
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WEDNESDAY, JULY 18: It was suggested that Madeleine is dead and buried in an area close to the beach, behind the cliff.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I feel my body's on the verge of collapse. How much pain and emotion can one body take? I had a bad afternoon. I was very worried, desperate, extremely on edge. I don't think I can take any more of this, I really can't. How much longer will this suffering go on? I need Madeleine ALIVE.
MONDAY, JULY 23: I got up at 7.00 and went running. I was surrounded by a pack of dogs (more or less 12)—it really wasn't a nice experience.
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DID SHE COUNT THEM, MORE OR LESS?
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I went to the flat, high part of the cliff as I felt really alone and a little frightened. Please God, don't let Madeleine be buried here. Please God, make sure she's alive. Please God, bring her back quickly to us.
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WAS SHE FRIGHTENED OF THE DOGS? WHICH DOGS? MAYBE WE SHOULD ASK THEM?
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I took S and A to the Kids' Club at 9.45 then I went to church to pray a little on my own.
Every single moment of happiness with Sean and Amelie, who are both so delightful, is mixed with deep sadness. All I want is Madeleine to be safe and happy again.
Baths, stories and some BEDTIME CHAOS FROM SEAN AND AMELIE before I FINALLY put them to bed at 21.15.
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BEDTIME ROUTINE REALLY NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE WHEN THEY WERE ON HOLIDAY IN APRIL 2007.
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Night, night sweetheart. I'm trying to be positive. I need to be because I need to believe that you’re going to come back to me, so I CAN GO BACK TO BEING TRULY HAPPY. I love you XXX.
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IT'S NOT SO THAT MADELEINE'S PAIN AND SUFFERING COMES TO AN END THEN?
